There Is No New Epidemic of Adult Children Going ‘No Contact’ With Their Parents, I Promise!
What’s happening is a new name for an old and rare phenomenon.
I’m seeing Op-Eds on this topic come up again, therefore I feel it’s my duty to address it. As someone whose parents were on board with repairing our relationship in adulthood -and someone who’s helped others navigate this same repair from either side- I can tell you there’s no “epidemic” of adult children cutting off their parents with no cause. Our instincts as adult kids seek repair first because these are our parents and we are hardwired to love them. Even in cases of emotional abuse, trauma, danger and physical harm, adult kids want repair if it’s possible. (Especially if said trauma or harm was caused unintentionally, people can tell the difference!) It is only when parents don’t put forth any effort, express any love, and repairing the relationship is simply not possible that adult children even consider going no contact!* I say this mainly because I’ve had parents come to me, concerned that this will happen with their adult kids. The very fact that they’re seeking help to prevent this almost guarantees it won’t.
I’ve seen parents make insulting or painful mistakes when trying to engage in repair, and I’ve seen their kids be extremely patient because they’re making the effort towards that repair! I’ve seen adult children constantly forego no contact with a parent (who makes no effort towards repairing their relationship or even expressing love!) In favor of other strategies, simply to make their relationship with other family members easier (and leave the door open for the parent they have real trouble with to walk through!) I never push or propose decisions either way, for anyone. I just ask questions and brainstorm strategies to see if they end up helping. What I’ve never seen is an adult child reach the point where they decide to go full-on zero contact with their parent(s.) They may take breaks or set boundaries, but that’s it in terms of what I’ve witnessed. Only when those boundaries are routinely violated with zero path to repair left available by their parent(s) do adult children consider this option, and they usually still avoid it if possible!
If I had to guess, going ‘no contact’ with your parents as an adult is something people are now discussing in public (or just putting new terms to,) but that has happened to a very small percentage of families throughout human history. Every society discourages it, even our hyper-individualistic one. And every child, no matter how old, has a real emotional need for their parents’ love and presence. When a parent has that same need for their child’s love and is willing to be vulnerable, repair is the strongest possibility. (And I say it like this because I refuse to write in absolutes about such personal subjects!)
*Either that, or the parent is a very clear danger to their grandchildren. I’ve seen people choose the same danger for themselves (despite my constant questioning, referrals, etc) more often than not, only to protect their families from it later.
