I'm Hosting An Online Course And I'm Terrified
I, like every other self employed person in the US (and just most people,) am struggling: and not for lack of people wanting to be my clients. I keep getting inquiries and new people coming in! They. Just. Keep. Getting. Laid. Off. Fuck this economy. I want to fight for them, yell at their former employers, offer them free sessions, etc. But I can’t do my job for free even if ‘Life Coach’ is the most bullshit laden job title in the world, and it actually might be (I try not to be full of shit, it’s…not very marketable.*) Anyway, I thought a weekly seminar might help- this way people could pay the price of like 3 or 4 one-hour sessions for six 2 hour sessions and I could focus on the subject I’m most passionate about: helping people discover (or rediscover) themselves creatively and artistically without letting ego get in their way. But I am full of ego about this new project and not about the journey at all!
I thought I had the ‘public speaking’ aspect of this seminar series down. It’s kind of the opposite. 10 years of public speaking doesn’t really help if the 10 years were airing out my most embarrassing mistakes to the world. Now I have to seem like someone the course’s attendees can actually learn from, and not just because I’ve made every artistic mistake AND creative industry mistake I could learn from. I have to project an air of… knowing stuff. And I do. But I don’t believe I do. Listen, I’m putting this seminar on The Tools website. I think there are a lot of older people there who are gonna look at me and scoff. Or I’m prejudging all these people publicly which is super unprofessional and will rightfully turn them away. Either way I just fucked up, right? And honestly, I have NO IDEA who I’m gonna get, what their needs are, what their experience with The Tools methodology OR their artistic experiences are (I’m sending out a survey beforehand to get some of that info but still.) I’m not even sure I’ll get enough people interested to do the seminar at all!
And then there’s the dates. What if once a week seminars were a terrible idea? I’m assigning homework, am I not giving people enough time to get it done? Should I do bi-weekly (bi-monthly? Does anyone know which of these is correct?) But if I stretch it out, I risk bumping up against other tools experts’ events! And what if the tools fans themselves think I’m just some nepo baby when it comes to The Tools just because I’m just some nepo baby when it comes to The Tools (my dad co-wrote both books)? I have my own take on the methodology and plenty of other skills to offer but would I be platformed there if I wasn’t Barry’s kid? Probably not. I’d better embed the seminar wherever I can independently of that community.
Oops, that link doesn’t display shit about the seminar itself. GAH! Ok, maybe this seminar will go alright anyway. I know I think well on my feet. I wasn’t the best at crowd work when I did stand up but like, the bar for thinking on your feet is really low when you’re not doing stand up. This is like, getting a laugh during a Ted Talk, not a comedy set. I can improvise just fine here. In one-on-one coaching sessions I take how a person tends to think, their situation, their issue with any methodology or task at hand and improvise something new they can try. If they don’t like it I can use why they don’t like it and adjust. Easy. Instinctive. At least in my coaching practice it is. My versatility and intuition as well as treating my clients like the experts on themselves that they are- these are all strengths I can still draw upon in a group setting, right?
But will I get to know these people well enough to do that in a group setting like I can with one on one coaching? Hopefully they’ll be very vocal and free with their feedback and not totally hate me like I think they might for some reason. Hopefully they’ll feel comfortable giving said feedback in front of the group. Maybe I should put the “giving and receiving notes on yours’ and others’ artistic works without letting ego take over” session closer to the beginning of the course? Except that wouldn’t make sense for any other reason but this. Especially if I get people who haven’t done purely artistic/creative projects in any medium since middle school, there’d be nothing to give feedback on! No one keeps stuff from middle school, everyone wants to forget middle school (unless maybe their mom is cleaning out her big house and asking them to put stuff they did as a child in their tiny apartment. Thanks, mom.)
I know being terrified is also a symptom of being completely out of practice with public speaking. I also know even if I did stand up yesterday I’d still be scared of doing this. It’s over zoom. I have to project some semblance of authority. Plus, the seminar’s collaborative. If I’m not careful, I might zoom in on a single minute facial expression and mull over what it means for minutes on end before I have to speak again. I don’t get the luxury of being blinded by stage lights here. I don’t know. I mean, I do know. I mean I have the knowledge and skills to host it but I have no idea how this seminar is going to go or how I’m going to come across. I also know I’ll learn a lot from doing this, things I don’t know right now. But I don’t know what I don’t know? It’s hard to be ‘about the journey’ and about learning not perfection when you see people’s impressions in real time. But I have to try. I have to do this, if I didn’t put myself out there I’d be a massive hypocrite due to HALF THE SHIT I’VE WRITTEN ON THIS VERY BLOG. So here we go I guess. Sometimes the mindset comes after the leap.
